Back and to the Left news has always prided itself on being a campaigner for fairness and equality within the UK. So when we heard that “we had paid for” some girls tits we raced round to her house so we could have our turn at squeezing them. After our lawyer explained that we had no legal right to touch breasts that had been paid for by the NHS we settled on an interview with the young lady in question.

So Josie it’s nice to meet you! How are you?

I’m feeling great now-

Sorry it was a rhetorical question, were not really that interested. So about these tits then?

What about them?

Well we heard you got the British taxpayer to buy you a new rack and then we get told were not allowed to touch them! Where’s the fucking justice in that?

I’m not sure what you’re getting at but I don't want you to touch my
breasts.

You and every other woman on the planet. Ok I suppose the question that is hanging on everyone’s lips is
“Why?”

Well I felt depressed about the way my lack of boobs made me feel, I hated the fact that I didn’t have massive Zeppelin like knockers that-

No I’m sorry you’ve misunderstood me here, what I meant it “Why, did you only get you tits done when you have a face like that?”

I’m sorry-

You should be. You look like the product of a gene-splicing experiment between an Silverback Gorilla and a toilet brush. The only process that could describe the horror of what created you would be a picture of all the male cast of TOWIE wanking into a bucket before artificially inseminating Claire Balding.

This isn’t a very professional interview.

Yeah well...shut up!

At this point she stormed out of the room and unfortunately not into an oncoming bus. Although Back and to the Left news understands the complexities of depression (having watched a He-Man episode that addressed the issue) we don't understand how getting a pair of wonky beach balls stapled to your chest is meant to help. All were asking is that Drs and surgeons show some common sense and we know they can do it. After all were depressed that we can’t fly but our DR turned down our request to get wings grafted onto our shoulders.

A 45 y/o woman was confronted on her
doorstep by two police detectives in Kent last week. The hardened criminal
mastermind had made the fatal mistake of posting a comment on Facebook that threatened the life of David Cameron. If the PM happened to by highly allergic to egg yolk.

Debra Burt wrote on a friends timeline,“Cameron-I’d like to egg him” echoing the thoughts of millions of Brits around the country. This comment sparked a month long manhunt in which two detectives spent four weeks trying to track the mum down before she could carry out her threat. Back and to the Left news are pretty sure that the detectives would have been of better use investigating murders, rapes and assaults but hey maybe that’s why our application for local police commissioner was rejected.

A Kent police spokesman (who looked rather pleased with himself) confirmed that this complete waste of time was sanctioned by those in charge. 

“We responded to information that someone was going to throw an egg....”

Really? Because BATTL news doesn’t get that from her comment. She says that she’d “like” to throw a egg at him just like we’d “like” to behead Tony Blair but we won’t. Mainly because we can’t afford a Samurai sword and a bread knife would take far too long. He went onto add:

“Officers visited the person and were satisfied there was no threat.”

Surely a cursory glance at the woman’s Facebook page (which the detectives had been using to stalk her) would have answered that question for them?  

She should have committed a real crime then the police wouldn’t have even bothered to turn up. We at BATTL news would hate to tell the police how to do their job but after this incident somebody fucking should

Back and to the Left News has been informed that in a top secret, Captain Scarlett type mission Chris Huhne has been moved from the notorious shit hole of Wandsworth prison to the holiday camp one HMP Leyhill. Our source at Wandsworth (our cellmate when we spent a glorious summer there) said:

“The pigs came for him in the dead of the night and whisked him away into a waiting limo. The guards were apologising profusely that Mr Huhne had been left for almost a full week amongst normal, poor criminals.”

A spokesman for the prison said:

“Mr Huhne is being moved for one reason and one reason only and it has nothing to do with the fact he’s a rich Mp who has powerful friends.”

When pressed for the reason he started to get aresy and asked us to leave him alone while he was on the toilet. A couple of splashes moments later confirmed to us that it was time to leave.

It’s a shame that Chris has been removed from Wandsworth and placed in a prison where inmates aren’t even locked in their cells. We at Back and to the Left news were hoping that he would use this time to gain a better understanding of normal society. Gain an insight into why normal, sometimes good men, are driven into a life of crime. But alas it was not too be and Chris won’t be able to use this humbling experience to improve himself as a human being and a politician. But our biggest disappointment is that he never got to meet “Big Tony” in the showers.

After a long break (which had fuck all to
do with a prison sentence which was merely a cruel rumour started by less
talented journalists who were preying for our demise) Back and to the Left news has returned! Ready to uncover facts, root out the corruption and stab lies in the face with our spear of truth (which is not a euphemism for our penis’s, for once). 

Back and to the Left news doesn’t do this for fun, fame or money we do it because we have to. We are driven by an unshakeable desire to bring you the average reader the real news. The news that you not only need but crave like a heroin addicted baby.

Please note that yes we are now self publishing our articles but this doesn’t mean that self respecting media outlets won’t touch us. Nothing of the sort, it just means that our views and stories are too much for some organisations to handle. It has nothing to do with the fact that Back and to the Left news attended a conference of journalists, got incredibly drunk and farted on Rupert Murdoch’s wife knee. No our banishment has absolutely nothing to do with that at all. 
 
So stay tuned for more amazing scoops as we get them. Which might take a while because we are very lazy and also our “press passes” do tend to be written on the back of cigarette papers.