They say that the best things in life are free. But this is of course a lie. Hookers, cocaine and gladiatorial death
matches all cost a fair whack. But walking the dog really is one of the few simple pleasures in life that doesn’t cost a thing (well unless your dog takes a massive shit on the pavement, that’ll cost you!) Is there anything better than
taking your four legged friend on a gay jaunt around fields (that resemble stolen car graveyards)? Feeling the wind in your hair as you stroll across the Yorkshire Dales with your girl on your arm (or boy, I’m not judging) your little
Jack Russell Terrier skipping round your feet, joyously bounding up and down desperately trying to get your attention. A more prettier picture could not be painted unless the dog also came with a pair of surface to air missile launchers on it’s back, but I digress. However if this simple task is performed wrong then the result could so easily be DEATH!
Pictured: Death on four legs
Step One- Acquiring A Dog.
Most self help guides of this nature would just assume that the reader would already have a dog. But we are not most guides and “assume” makes a “Ass” out of “U” and“Me”. So selecting your dog is the first of many pitfalls you will come across before you are able to successfully complete the act of dog walking without impaling yourself on a fence.
Everyone’s criteria for choosing a dog is different. Some people want cuteness, others companionship and a proportion of us want them to maul children. Our advice to you here is a three step program:
1. Do you have a big house?
2. Do you have a garden?
3. Are there any inquisitive children nearby, that could possibly climb into the garden and get everything they
Now you must be honest with yourself. If the answers to these questions are yes then the bigger dog the better. If no
get yourself a smaller dog and feed it steroids. Dogs can be acquired almost anywhere as they are normally left tied up and unattended outside shops. Justpass your local Tesco and pick one up, any dog will quickly forget its’previous
owner and happily go home with you if you offer it a few biscuits. *sigh* If only women were that easy.
With your dog in tow you are now ready to take your first steps towards “walkinghood”(TM)
It's all fun and games until someone loses a eye
Step Two- Equipment
Unlike the British military most dog walkers like to know the equipment they’ll be using in the field will be of a certain standard. Before you can even set foot out of the house you must be carrying the following items.
1. Dog Lead- Preferably made of titanium. This is imperative to stop your dog madly bounding off in the direction of oncoming traffic. They will do this.
2. Doggy Bags- Not for a mid walk snack, you fat bastard. These are for collecting your dogs “leavings” from the pavement. Don’t worry about grass though that’s a dogs natural lavatory, cleaning that up would be like pulling
turd’s from a toilet (why would anyone want to touch poo?). You can dispose of the filled doggy bags in a variety of different ways such as prizes for trick or treaters, pushed through the letter boxes of your enemies or just used as “dog shit fertilizer”.
3. Thermos flask of tea and sandwiches- The bigger the dog the longer the walk. I’ve seen Great Dane owners walking for days before their animal allowed them home. So be prepared for this.
4. Tranquilizer/Real Gun- We must remember at all times that dogs are nothing but a bundle of muscles, a set of teeth and a primordial instinct to feed. If your dog catches the scent of blood in the air it can drive even the most mild mannered of beasts into a feeding frenzy akin to sharks. Sometimes a dog owner must make that terrible decision to save a group of school kids by cutting their own dog down in full bloodlust leap.
The cold dead eyes of a killer
Step Three- Your first steps.
After managing to tie the dogs lead securely around the animals throat (using an impressive series of loops and knots) your ready to take your first steps outside. Beware the second you open your door and the dog smells the insane
smell of freedom it will immediately make a break for it. So make sure you have a strong grip (use your wanking arm to hold the dogs lead as the strength in it will be significantly more powerful).
As you take the first tentative steps along your street you will notice that your four legged friend (or three legged if the dog is a Iraq war veteran) wants to sniff everything. From walls to legs to other dogs bottoms nothing is safe. Although the dog looks as happy as a pig in shit when he’s sniffing it still looks disgusting to see a animal with its’head close to another’s arsehole. So yank your dog away from anything it starts sniffing.
Beware there is absolutely no way that your dog will be able to make it off your street before pissing on something. It’s a natural reaction to mark territory and despite the fact you got in trouble for doing it at work apparently for dogs
it’s perfectly acceptable.
“Yes a delicate array of aromas here, cinnamon, oil, the fresh scent of fear and yes I do detect some faecal matter”
Step Four- Human contact.
This is the point where most dog owners fall down and allow the solemn, sometimes religious deed of walking the dog become a social activity. There seems to be groups of rouge dog walkers whose only reason for taking the dog out is so they can strike up a conversation with you.
“Look love can you just lend me 10p cos I have to get to my sisters house and I’ve only got....” They always look like they’ve escaped from an asylum.
You can tell who these people are, brow beaten by their wives, middle aged men to whom dog walking has become their night at the pub. They are nearly always walking “the wife’s dog” which is usually a small poodle, Jack Russell or
equally crap “ratty” animal. They will talk to you on anything from football to the weather all the time while allowing their animal to sniff yours as much as is dog-ly possible.
If you talk to one of these parasitic leeches once that’s it you are fucked. From then on you’ll be compelled to speak to the man who spent all of yesterday talking to you about how immigrants stole his job and you will have to talk to him everyday. Soon your solitary soul cleansing dog walk has become a double date with a homophobic racist. And no matter how terrible his opinions are you cannot tell him what you really think because you don't really know him and could end up getting stabbed down a country lane.
So as you step back in through your front door after your walk and plonk your fat ass down in front of the fire so you can watch “Celebrity Dancing In A Minefield” what have you learnt? Well you survived which is more than 36% of first time dog walkers do, so can you feel chuffed with yourself? No is the short answer and “no you fucking shouldn’t feel happy with yourself you fucking retard.” Is the longer answer. Although you have survived today, you have to do
this every day. Some dogs need to walk three times a day, three separate opportunities where your stupid ass could end up dead.
On a separate note if you discover that owning a dog cuts too much into your Facebook stalking time you can always visit a vet to help you out! For a small fee he’ll put your beloved pet “to sleep” which sounds adorable, but before you decide to have the same thing done to your newborn crying baby do your fucking research! Reading this article was a good start.
Mans best friend but who picks up who's poo?