This was supposed to be a light hearted look back on Download Festival 2012. I would regale you with heroic tales of drunkenness, sagas of stupidity and describe Black Sabbaths set in excruciating detail, because yes they were really that good. I wanted to tell you about the people I heard fucking in a Porta loo and of my attempts to peer through the vents in the top. Nothing would have pleased me more than writing about my epic journey to Download festival taking in more exotic locations (Doncaster) than a James Bond film. Dearly all I wanted to speak about were the positive moments from a hugely enjoyable festival. Unfortunately I was robbed.
I don't expect the police to find whoever did it; I can’t imagine they care too much about someone who looks a protester for Green Peace. So I’m taking care of it my own way; this is my open letter to the gentlemen who came
into my tent and stole all my money.
I don't expect the police to find whoever did it; I can’t imagine they care too much about someone who looks a protester for Green Peace. So I’m taking care of it my own way; this is my open letter to the gentlemen who came
into my tent and stole all my money.
My handbag was way nicer
Hi
Mystery Man!
I’m sorry this letter has to start in an almost “rude” way, but you shot off so quickly that night in my tent I felt like a cheap slapper you’d shagged and were bailing on in the morning. And as such I didn’t catch your name. My name is Alex by the way, I was the naked one screaming obscenities and trying to gouge your eyes out. I hope to learn yours one day, hopefully at a police line up. The young lady whose phone you were trying to steal was my girlfriend, but I doubt you would know what one of them looks like as your premature ejaculation problems probably prevent you from satisfying a woman on a regular basis. Just a hunch. I guess it was because you moved like a silent rapist mastering years of practice of sneaking into your parent’s bedroom, hiding in the cupboard and
jacking off while they fuck. But hey whatever floats your boat, we’ve all got weird sexual fetishes. I find Judi Dench attractive and you like incest.
I’m guessing that you, like me, struggle to convey your emotions in meaningful ways. I mean emotions and crying are for gays right! So this is where I should apologise because instead of inviting you in for a beer, like a civilised
emotionally enlightened human being, I shot up and screamed in your face and punched you in the side of the head. Also (and I am ashamed to have to admit this) I tried to bite you. If you’d been in range I would have clamped my teeth on like a rabid dog and thrown you around like a small child. Then again having caught the smell that was coming off you (a stench of curry and failed dreams) I think I might have made myself ill. So I’m glad for both our sakes that I didn’t.
Mystery Man!
I’m sorry this letter has to start in an almost “rude” way, but you shot off so quickly that night in my tent I felt like a cheap slapper you’d shagged and were bailing on in the morning. And as such I didn’t catch your name. My name is Alex by the way, I was the naked one screaming obscenities and trying to gouge your eyes out. I hope to learn yours one day, hopefully at a police line up. The young lady whose phone you were trying to steal was my girlfriend, but I doubt you would know what one of them looks like as your premature ejaculation problems probably prevent you from satisfying a woman on a regular basis. Just a hunch. I guess it was because you moved like a silent rapist mastering years of practice of sneaking into your parent’s bedroom, hiding in the cupboard and
jacking off while they fuck. But hey whatever floats your boat, we’ve all got weird sexual fetishes. I find Judi Dench attractive and you like incest.
I’m guessing that you, like me, struggle to convey your emotions in meaningful ways. I mean emotions and crying are for gays right! So this is where I should apologise because instead of inviting you in for a beer, like a civilised
emotionally enlightened human being, I shot up and screamed in your face and punched you in the side of the head. Also (and I am ashamed to have to admit this) I tried to bite you. If you’d been in range I would have clamped my teeth on like a rabid dog and thrown you around like a small child. Then again having caught the smell that was coming off you (a stench of curry and failed dreams) I think I might have made myself ill. So I’m glad for both our sakes that I didn’t.
The apple would have been your balls. Yes this is the closest you would have ever come to a blow job.
What I found strange about the whole incident was the fact you were actively stealing from my tent, that I was currently in. Despite this making you look like a feckless gypsie cunt without a ounce of pride or human decency and someone who I now actively pray gets a degenerative bone disease. No but seriously I would quite enjoy it if you got“Locked In” syndrome and asked for donations so you could have a specialist operation, I would set up hundreds of fake bank accounts to pledge to the cause. Then when the check bounces just as you get to the clinic I want to be there to see the look on your face. Which will be the same cat cock sucking, wide eyed expression of a wannerbe child molester that you were wearing as you so bravely snuck into my tent.
Sorry, sorry that last paragraph got a little dark and I’ve forgotten where I was going with it, I did say I struggle to convey my emotions. Maybe we could meet over a couple of beers sometime and discuss it, I’d offer to get the first round in but you stole my wallet.
Sorry, sorry that last paragraph got a little dark and I’ve forgotten where I was going with it, I did say I struggle to convey my emotions. Maybe we could meet over a couple of beers sometime and discuss it, I’d offer to get the first round in but you stole my wallet.
The gun he had was much bigger THATS how brave I am
Well played on that note though nicking my shorts which I’d been wearing during the
day, like a good thief you realised my wallet would probably still be in there, and it was! To be fair that action actually showed cognitive thought on your part, I guess you must have stopped sniffing glue to work that out eh?
No but in all seriousness although your attempt to wreck my festival almost paid off the fact you couldn’t get your (probably webbed) hands on my girlfriends phone made me happy. Also when I punched you in the face that did give me a rage erection that didn’t subside for at least ten minutes. I will say this though; it’s a shame you didn’t have long hair I could have grabbed onto because we would probably still be in the tent right now discussing our “differences”. On a lighter note I’m sorry I couldn’t join in with the game of TIG you seemed desperate to play as you took off through the tents like a prancing ponce at a gay pride rally. I couldn’t get my boots on and I don't like having wet feet you see.
OK to the crux of the matter: Meeting up again. As we’ve played such a heavy part in each other’s festival (you stealing the money I’d put aside for a EDGUY T-shirt and me for hopefully mashing your nose out of shapes). I’ll be going to Download again next year and will be camping in a campsite near the entrance, if you can take a break from shop lifting tampons to chew on, for a few days it would be lovely to see you. We can have a big laugh about the whole thing and hopefully get off to a better start than we did this time round. This time though I’ll make sure I’ll have my boots on so I’ll be able to go on a run through the campsite with you! And when I catch you you’ll get to see what the inside of a porta loo looks like upside down! You don't get that sort of service with an Early Bird ticket that’s for sure. You cunt!
day, like a good thief you realised my wallet would probably still be in there, and it was! To be fair that action actually showed cognitive thought on your part, I guess you must have stopped sniffing glue to work that out eh?
No but in all seriousness although your attempt to wreck my festival almost paid off the fact you couldn’t get your (probably webbed) hands on my girlfriends phone made me happy. Also when I punched you in the face that did give me a rage erection that didn’t subside for at least ten minutes. I will say this though; it’s a shame you didn’t have long hair I could have grabbed onto because we would probably still be in the tent right now discussing our “differences”. On a lighter note I’m sorry I couldn’t join in with the game of TIG you seemed desperate to play as you took off through the tents like a prancing ponce at a gay pride rally. I couldn’t get my boots on and I don't like having wet feet you see.
OK to the crux of the matter: Meeting up again. As we’ve played such a heavy part in each other’s festival (you stealing the money I’d put aside for a EDGUY T-shirt and me for hopefully mashing your nose out of shapes). I’ll be going to Download again next year and will be camping in a campsite near the entrance, if you can take a break from shop lifting tampons to chew on, for a few days it would be lovely to see you. We can have a big laugh about the whole thing and hopefully get off to a better start than we did this time round. This time though I’ll make sure I’ll have my boots on so I’ll be able to go on a run through the campsite with you! And when I catch you you’ll get to see what the inside of a porta loo looks like upside down! You don't get that sort of service with an Early Bird ticket that’s for sure. You cunt!
Go fuck yourself
And that’s that. Sorry it’s a bit longwinded I just had to get that off my tits and now I feel better for it. Or at least less verbally constipated. Best of all though, to the legends that make up my friends, thankyou. They kept me in tabs, cash, beer and I even got a T-shirt! One of them even offered to walk me to the toilet on a night time, which was weird, but nice none the less. Thanks guys.
All photos except the last one from www.freedigitalphotos.net Have a look at them I saw a picture of a moose it was ace!
All photos except the last one from www.freedigitalphotos.net Have a look at them I saw a picture of a moose it was ace!
