So in keeping with this theme of helping (but hopefully not taking a beating) I’m going to explain to you why she’s not quite into you.
Fuck me I’m drunk
1. Your Facial Hair Terrifies Her- With Game Of Thrones popular on TV and Jerry Adams always a popular cultural figure you may think the time for beards is here! No. The time for well manicured, groomed to within an inch of perfection is here. Having a beard that looks like starlings could fly out from it at any moment is not what people want. They want “Hugh Jackman” rugged not “Wild Hillman from the edges of society” rugged.
2. Your Social Awkwardness- It’s only cute in American teen comedies to be a bumbling, overly polite fool who eventually gets locked outside his house in his underwear. Just as the big community street party is happening and much hilarity ensures. In the real world though, were real men strut around like potent masculine peacocks being a shy mess gets you nowhere. If you’re more likely to spout an ill timed joke than a simple response to a question then you will scare them away. But if you have biceps the size of hot air balloons you can get away with being socially awkward...
3. Your Physique- If you’ve got a body that looks like a your auditioning for part in a film about AIDS carriers in the 1980’s you’ve got a problem. Most women fear someone who looks like their powers of necromancy have taken a withering toll on their body leaving them looking like a heroin addicted skeleton. You don’t look like you’d give a good hug and people fear breaking your hand if they shake it. I’d suggest going to the gym but you look like you’d struggle to open the door.
4. You’re Ugly- Both on the inside and the outside. In our modern world where saying negative things is frowned upon and everyone is encouraged to be positive. Sometimes it needs to be said. Your ugly as fuck and you’ve got the personality of a NAZI train conductor. You can do something about this though. Only date coma patients.
5. You’re Me- Agreed this only applies to a tiny proportion of the population but as it’s a factor with a 100% success I thought it was worth mentioning. So at all costs avoid being me. Or even in a twenty metre radius of me. My personality may be infectious.
Remember don’t worry if your single there’s someone out there for you. You might have to buy her from a mail order bride site, then turn a blind eye as she moves her real husband into your marital home. But with advances in technology you’ll probably be able to get rejected by a computer program in five years time so that’s something!
Look when it all comes down to it you’ll be able to join the fastest growing statistic in the world! Those who die, cold, unloved and alone! You’re a pioneer
Where’s that gin gone......